I guess it is time to come back

I already forgot that I have this blog. I haven't updated it for so long. I totally forgot about its existence until I checked out my cousin's blog posts, and was really impressed by his thoughts. He is growing up. He has grown up. He is now a real man, with his own thinking, his doubts to the world, his struggle, and his joy. I wasn't really there for his formative years. I had too many issues to deal with myself. But I am not important - no one really is - and he still turned into someone I can be proud of (although I probably will never agree with his political views - HRC is simply the worst).

So I think maybe I should reignite my blog posts again too, just pouring some of the crap I can't really talk about in real life onto this blog post. I have so many negativity within me. It is so hard to suppress them sometimes. On the outside I am such a chippy person. All my friends find me fun to be around, and I always bring joy to people that I am with. But inside I have a huge dark hole, empty and endless to fill. It eats my alive, yet there is nothing I can do. You would never imagine that I think about death often. But inside I am constantly doubting life - the meaning of it, why it exists, all of it. The full load. I guess I never changed. I have been feeling this way for years. Sometimes I do stuff to not think about it. Sometimes I get busy and then I forget. But it always has its own way of reminding me of its existence.

Rereading the post I wrote more than seven years ago, I can just see myself sitting there, agonized over the lack of meaning of my life. I still feel the same way. Last month there were a couple of days particularly bad that I considered seeking professional help, though I myself am a semi-pro with all the psych literature that I am familiar with. I often think that maybe I will be better when I get a kid - but it is such a wrong reason to produce life, just because my own life feels such a void of meaning doesn't mean I should bring another human being into the world. And with the world quickly becoming such an unsafe place, is it really wise to consider reproducing? It is such a cliche too, so typically woman, to use a baby to solve issues that are hard to deal with. No, I will not be a coward. I will have to face my issues head on and deal with them.

Recent world events are making me even more depressed than usual. The country that I elected to adopt as my second home is quickly turning into something I don't recognize. The media, the left, the establishments, all form an inescapable net, and regular individuals simply cannot fight it. I see Trump getting attacked over and over for some dirty talks he made privately, yet his opponents actually committed so many crimes and are getting away with it. It is alarmingly sad to see Asians getting segregated into different "ethnicities" - since when are Hongkong and Taiwan people ethnically different from mainland Chinese? - how does that even make sense? I see politicians constantly pandering to certain groups, and these groups constantly victimized themselves. It is sickening to think that people who advocate for freedom and women rights also want more Muslims in the country. Why? If it wasn't okay for Christians to hate gays, why would it be okay for Muslims to do so? The hypocrisy of the mainstream media simply sickens me. It reeks greed for power.

What we are seeing right now is a striking resemblance to history. The American people have never experienced cultural revolution, and do not know how political correctness can turn into a beast with an bloody open mouth. The idea of "equal outcomes" instead of "equal opportunity" is the essence of failed communism. The idea of not being able to talk about certain things is the essence of speech censorship, which is still happening in China. From China, I am all too familiar with the tricks and ways the media and the "party" can utilize to brainwash me. Fortunately, most people in China realize that they are being brainwashed and don't believe most things talked about by the media. However, the American people are still ignorant, almost like babies. The saddest thing to watch is perhaps the American people's lack of understanding. They think that they live in this great, free nation, where their democracy is their pride and joy. Yet, they are being brainwashed left and right, with exposure to narratives and scripts everyday, to be shaped into thinking a certain way, to be manipulated to have certain opinions, and there is really no democracy. The DNC decided that HRC is the candidate, so they cheated Bernie out. And then the collusion expanded to make sure that HRC is the president, through a seemingly fair democratic process, no matter the cost. The people don't realize that their votes have been decided for them a long time ago. The election has been fixed a long time ago. It is not hard to figure out, one just needs to stand outside and observe, and one can see the tricks and cheats the establishment is using. Yet, most people don't realize that the wheels are already in motion, and their wills never mattered much. Without realization, they don't fight it. There is no coping mechanism to the persuasion tactics the media is using. The scariest thing is perhaps the brainwash of the children. They are being fed left agendas from a very young age onward. Soon this will be a nation of the left, and many people would have willingly fall into this trap, because they thought it is their choice. It was never their choice.

There is almost no hope at this point. Even if DT gets elected this November, no one can really stop the global Muslim expansion, unless a war erupts. I have a very bleak outlook for this issue. The whole continent of Europe will have to toughen up to combat this cancer called Muslim, yet people are too afraid of "offending people." A war is on the horizon for Europe, yet American want to elect a president who wants to bring more in this nation. I sense a world war coming.

Maybe I will feel better after November 8th. I doubt it, but I gotta have hope.