这两天怎地怀旧。这不好。人不该一直朝过去看。
我站在时间的漏沙中，看着那一道分明的线，割断了我的过去和现在，活生生，硬狠狠，连用手指轻触都不敢，怕灼伤了记忆，模糊了感情。
Dan Gibson Dan Gibson. I am dying in your seaside retreat, and I am feeling alive. When I hear the waves lapping the sands, everything might be worth keeping.
Grandpa, may you rest in peace.
爷爷。一路走好。
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Something random
I guess I have been trying to numb myself for the past week by constantly listening to music or watching Gossip Girls. The truth is that I feel empty inside. Of course nobody will find such things new, and feeling empty sounds such like a cliche...
G always said that we are lost children who don't know what to do. I have always echoed with him, cause I know its true. Yet with more and more time passed by I begin to realize maybe I want to stay lost. Maybe I am deliberately delaying my searching for true meaning. Perhaps cause I don't believe true meaning really exist; perhaps I am just afraid.
Procrastination has always been one of my favorites. As I always loved the journey to destination more than the destination itself. I don't like ending, and I give up things so easily. Maybe I am not cut up for real things yet.
As C says, if there is a fate of people, the only certain fate is dying. There is no other destiny, and if we change any little bit of our past, nobody will know what will happen. As a desperate romance pursuer, I have always wanted to believe destiny inside. However my logic keeps telling that doesn't exist, and believing and depending on destiny will totally screw me up. As usual, I am a double faced hypocrite. Inside I want pure romance, when women didn't have jobs, with all the old fashioned grace and elegance, the old time leisure along with feminine hobbies such as art, music, literature, and cooking. But in reality I am a Finance Accounting double major, cold-heart, man-like, always fought for female rights and independence, never want to even reveal a little bit of my weakness, hate to lose and always try to handle everything within my grasp. Like C, he likes jungle rules but wants a perfect, loving and caring society&government; like G, he believes in a selfless philosophy but wants as little government intervention, as little welfare as possible. I see the conflict within people's characters everyday, but there is nothing we can do about it. It comes with our nature.
Now talk about Gossip Girls. Before I watched the show, I have always believed it being stupid and meaningless. Of course my beloved C donated to that impression by repeating trash talking on it over and over to my ears. However when I finally downloaded the show and watched it, I feel much related. Maybe not to their upper east living style, cause after all I have never been one of those really high society members, but to their struggles, their emotions, and portrait of every role's distinctive character. They are just kids, but they are involved in such complicated situations that I begin to care for them, especially the bewitched Blair Waldorf. At first she is just a spoiled selfish girl to me, but more and more I recall my feelings when I was in similar shoes. Being friends with a beautiful and popular and smart and kind and perfect girl is such a hard thing, when you yourself want to be the center of the crowd. No matter how hard you do, once she appears, people will just look at her and praise for her charms, and you will be tossed aside like your glamor never mattered. Even worse, she doesn't even want it, but she still has it. She doesn't even have to fight for it, and that makes her light even brighter. At the end of day, she will come to you, and ask you what happened. If you tell her how you really feel, she will totally become Holy Maria and make you feel even lower...Especially when the boy you like is fancying her, thinking about her, following her, all the time, and there is nothing you can do just to watch, and feel the pain...Yes, I totally recalled the dark days when Felicity was with me, how horrible I felt everyday, how lost I was in the friends circle we both have, how envious I was every single day, how hateful and merciless I eventually grew into. When she was deeply sick I even told HG that I didn't want her to be back. When she was gone for being sick I felt like reborn every single day, refresh and in charge. HG was at my side everyday...I really cared for him, HG. When he was with Felicity all the time I was on the fire. But when she was finally gone and he became mine I still didn't feel complete. She was always between us. Never left. I truly believe that was how Kevin got into my sight. Kevin, another desperate romance pursuer, made me believe the story of Cinderella maybe really can exist. He played the role of prince charming, and I was sucked into it. Luckily for me, the fantasy didn't last long, indeed saved me from totally sinking. At least for a couple weeks Kevin made me believe in love, feel in love, and HG didn't seem to matter at that moment...When I look back at my roller coaster high school history, I see unnecessary dramas and failures. But all these moments consist of me, and I will never feel regret about it. The only regret I have about this entire history is that I have never been 100% honest to Felicity. When she asked me about HG I never told her the truth. I have always told her that I don't care about him and she should become his girlfriend. But she always said that they want to just be friends and will have each other in life forever. I sometimes wish that I had told her I really liked HG, be straight, and maybe that would have pushed her to be with him, or her exist, maybe everything would have been very different, and I don't have to feel the guilty I have every day for hating her. After all she died. And a part of him died, too. I never went back and contact him often, cause he already became part of my extremely painful memories. But I still think of him, occasionally, think of him, and her, as the symbol of my ridiculous yet tasteful, exciting past. I miss him, all the time, with all my other friends, cause my life right now is so different that if you have told me three years ago I will live like this I would have told you to get off me. But I am living like a thirty years old boring woman right now. Everything logical, organized, and clean. There is no wrong path, no dilemma, no hatred, no drama...Gosh, I am even already married. My backpacked, running lost girl life seemed to be so far away from the life I am going into right now...
Three years ago after all those painful memories, the life right now seems such a beautiful and peaceful solution. I totally hid into this emotionless hole and healed slowly. I loved to be like this. But more and more these days I feel like the old me is coming back. Rebellious, wild, and bored. I cannot be happy anymore. My piano, book reading, music listening, unrealistic fantasies, all those unattainable expectations, all coming back...I simply cannot feel happy about my current situation and life status anymore. I feel like my 17 year old self is trapped inside of this 3o year old life style, and once in a while she yells so loudly even I cannot suppress it...I hope its just a phase and will pass away. Who am the real me? The 17 year old irresponsible but exciting me, or the 30 year old (feel like) "smart" but tired me? I really want to find out but there is no other choice but to pick the current me, cause I designed my life to be this way, so I cannot change it anymore...
G always said that we are lost children who don't know what to do. I have always echoed with him, cause I know its true. Yet with more and more time passed by I begin to realize maybe I want to stay lost. Maybe I am deliberately delaying my searching for true meaning. Perhaps cause I don't believe true meaning really exist; perhaps I am just afraid.
Procrastination has always been one of my favorites. As I always loved the journey to destination more than the destination itself. I don't like ending, and I give up things so easily. Maybe I am not cut up for real things yet.
As C says, if there is a fate of people, the only certain fate is dying. There is no other destiny, and if we change any little bit of our past, nobody will know what will happen. As a desperate romance pursuer, I have always wanted to believe destiny inside. However my logic keeps telling that doesn't exist, and believing and depending on destiny will totally screw me up. As usual, I am a double faced hypocrite. Inside I want pure romance, when women didn't have jobs, with all the old fashioned grace and elegance, the old time leisure along with feminine hobbies such as art, music, literature, and cooking. But in reality I am a Finance Accounting double major, cold-heart, man-like, always fought for female rights and independence, never want to even reveal a little bit of my weakness, hate to lose and always try to handle everything within my grasp. Like C, he likes jungle rules but wants a perfect, loving and caring society&government; like G, he believes in a selfless philosophy but wants as little government intervention, as little welfare as possible. I see the conflict within people's characters everyday, but there is nothing we can do about it. It comes with our nature.
Now talk about Gossip Girls. Before I watched the show, I have always believed it being stupid and meaningless. Of course my beloved C donated to that impression by repeating trash talking on it over and over to my ears. However when I finally downloaded the show and watched it, I feel much related. Maybe not to their upper east living style, cause after all I have never been one of those really high society members, but to their struggles, their emotions, and portrait of every role's distinctive character. They are just kids, but they are involved in such complicated situations that I begin to care for them, especially the bewitched Blair Waldorf. At first she is just a spoiled selfish girl to me, but more and more I recall my feelings when I was in similar shoes. Being friends with a beautiful and popular and smart and kind and perfect girl is such a hard thing, when you yourself want to be the center of the crowd. No matter how hard you do, once she appears, people will just look at her and praise for her charms, and you will be tossed aside like your glamor never mattered. Even worse, she doesn't even want it, but she still has it. She doesn't even have to fight for it, and that makes her light even brighter. At the end of day, she will come to you, and ask you what happened. If you tell her how you really feel, she will totally become Holy Maria and make you feel even lower...Especially when the boy you like is fancying her, thinking about her, following her, all the time, and there is nothing you can do just to watch, and feel the pain...Yes, I totally recalled the dark days when Felicity was with me, how horrible I felt everyday, how lost I was in the friends circle we both have, how envious I was every single day, how hateful and merciless I eventually grew into. When she was deeply sick I even told HG that I didn't want her to be back. When she was gone for being sick I felt like reborn every single day, refresh and in charge. HG was at my side everyday...I really cared for him, HG. When he was with Felicity all the time I was on the fire. But when she was finally gone and he became mine I still didn't feel complete. She was always between us. Never left. I truly believe that was how Kevin got into my sight. Kevin, another desperate romance pursuer, made me believe the story of Cinderella maybe really can exist. He played the role of prince charming, and I was sucked into it. Luckily for me, the fantasy didn't last long, indeed saved me from totally sinking. At least for a couple weeks Kevin made me believe in love, feel in love, and HG didn't seem to matter at that moment...When I look back at my roller coaster high school history, I see unnecessary dramas and failures. But all these moments consist of me, and I will never feel regret about it. The only regret I have about this entire history is that I have never been 100% honest to Felicity. When she asked me about HG I never told her the truth. I have always told her that I don't care about him and she should become his girlfriend. But she always said that they want to just be friends and will have each other in life forever. I sometimes wish that I had told her I really liked HG, be straight, and maybe that would have pushed her to be with him, or her exist, maybe everything would have been very different, and I don't have to feel the guilty I have every day for hating her. After all she died. And a part of him died, too. I never went back and contact him often, cause he already became part of my extremely painful memories. But I still think of him, occasionally, think of him, and her, as the symbol of my ridiculous yet tasteful, exciting past. I miss him, all the time, with all my other friends, cause my life right now is so different that if you have told me three years ago I will live like this I would have told you to get off me. But I am living like a thirty years old boring woman right now. Everything logical, organized, and clean. There is no wrong path, no dilemma, no hatred, no drama...Gosh, I am even already married. My backpacked, running lost girl life seemed to be so far away from the life I am going into right now...
Three years ago after all those painful memories, the life right now seems such a beautiful and peaceful solution. I totally hid into this emotionless hole and healed slowly. I loved to be like this. But more and more these days I feel like the old me is coming back. Rebellious, wild, and bored. I cannot be happy anymore. My piano, book reading, music listening, unrealistic fantasies, all those unattainable expectations, all coming back...I simply cannot feel happy about my current situation and life status anymore. I feel like my 17 year old self is trapped inside of this 3o year old life style, and once in a while she yells so loudly even I cannot suppress it...I hope its just a phase and will pass away. Who am the real me? The 17 year old irresponsible but exciting me, or the 30 year old (feel like) "smart" but tired me? I really want to find out but there is no other choice but to pick the current me, cause I designed my life to be this way, so I cannot change it anymore...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)