God bless America!

I am not a religious person myself. But tonight I pray for this country that I love as my second home. As an immigrant, a minority, and a woman, I pray that the country sees through all the manipulations this election cycle has endured, and elects the right candidate tomorrow. If there is a deity up there, please save America. May the right candidate be elected tomorrow. God bless America, and bless all the hardworking people who are trying their very best to save it.

I guess it is time to come back

I already forgot that I have this blog. I haven't updated it for so long. I totally forgot about its existence until I checked out my cousin's blog posts, and was really impressed by his thoughts. He is growing up. He has grown up. He is now a real man, with his own thinking, his doubts to the world, his struggle, and his joy. I wasn't really there for his formative years. I had too many issues to deal with myself. But I am not important - no one really is - and he still turned into someone I can be proud of (although I probably will never agree with his political views - HRC is simply the worst).

So I think maybe I should reignite my blog posts again too, just pouring some of the crap I can't really talk about in real life onto this blog post. I have so many negativity within me. It is so hard to suppress them sometimes. On the outside I am such a chippy person. All my friends find me fun to be around, and I always bring joy to people that I am with. But inside I have a huge dark hole, empty and endless to fill. It eats my alive, yet there is nothing I can do. You would never imagine that I think about death often. But inside I am constantly doubting life - the meaning of it, why it exists, all of it. The full load. I guess I never changed. I have been feeling this way for years. Sometimes I do stuff to not think about it. Sometimes I get busy and then I forget. But it always has its own way of reminding me of its existence.

Rereading the post I wrote more than seven years ago, I can just see myself sitting there, agonized over the lack of meaning of my life. I still feel the same way. Last month there were a couple of days particularly bad that I considered seeking professional help, though I myself am a semi-pro with all the psych literature that I am familiar with. I often think that maybe I will be better when I get a kid - but it is such a wrong reason to produce life, just because my own life feels such a void of meaning doesn't mean I should bring another human being into the world. And with the world quickly becoming such an unsafe place, is it really wise to consider reproducing? It is such a cliche too, so typically woman, to use a baby to solve issues that are hard to deal with. No, I will not be a coward. I will have to face my issues head on and deal with them.

Recent world events are making me even more depressed than usual. The country that I elected to adopt as my second home is quickly turning into something I don't recognize. The media, the left, the establishments, all form an inescapable net, and regular individuals simply cannot fight it. I see Trump getting attacked over and over for some dirty talks he made privately, yet his opponents actually committed so many crimes and are getting away with it. It is alarmingly sad to see Asians getting segregated into different "ethnicities" - since when are Hongkong and Taiwan people ethnically different from mainland Chinese? - how does that even make sense? I see politicians constantly pandering to certain groups, and these groups constantly victimized themselves. It is sickening to think that people who advocate for freedom and women rights also want more Muslims in the country. Why? If it wasn't okay for Christians to hate gays, why would it be okay for Muslims to do so? The hypocrisy of the mainstream media simply sickens me. It reeks greed for power.

What we are seeing right now is a striking resemblance to history. The American people have never experienced cultural revolution, and do not know how political correctness can turn into a beast with an bloody open mouth. The idea of "equal outcomes" instead of "equal opportunity" is the essence of failed communism. The idea of not being able to talk about certain things is the essence of speech censorship, which is still happening in China. From China, I am all too familiar with the tricks and ways the media and the "party" can utilize to brainwash me. Fortunately, most people in China realize that they are being brainwashed and don't believe most things talked about by the media. However, the American people are still ignorant, almost like babies. The saddest thing to watch is perhaps the American people's lack of understanding. They think that they live in this great, free nation, where their democracy is their pride and joy. Yet, they are being brainwashed left and right, with exposure to narratives and scripts everyday, to be shaped into thinking a certain way, to be manipulated to have certain opinions, and there is really no democracy. The DNC decided that HRC is the candidate, so they cheated Bernie out. And then the collusion expanded to make sure that HRC is the president, through a seemingly fair democratic process, no matter the cost. The people don't realize that their votes have been decided for them a long time ago. The election has been fixed a long time ago. It is not hard to figure out, one just needs to stand outside and observe, and one can see the tricks and cheats the establishment is using. Yet, most people don't realize that the wheels are already in motion, and their wills never mattered much. Without realization, they don't fight it. There is no coping mechanism to the persuasion tactics the media is using. The scariest thing is perhaps the brainwash of the children. They are being fed left agendas from a very young age onward. Soon this will be a nation of the left, and many people would have willingly fall into this trap, because they thought it is their choice. It was never their choice.

There is almost no hope at this point. Even if DT gets elected this November, no one can really stop the global Muslim expansion, unless a war erupts. I have a very bleak outlook for this issue. The whole continent of Europe will have to toughen up to combat this cancer called Muslim, yet people are too afraid of "offending people." A war is on the horizon for Europe, yet American want to elect a president who wants to bring more in this nation. I sense a world war coming.

Maybe I will feel better after November 8th. I doubt it, but I gotta have hope.
 

Windows 7 and my passion for it

前天老公的电脑废了，不知中了什么病毒，firefox和ie都打不开。后来索性一股作气升级到W7，发现实在是大爱……
在国外久了已经习惯那种“一步到位”的电脑服务，所以现在手也生了业务也不灵光了，和国内大虾比起来像隔了一个年代一样……

我的另两台电脑，都是宏基(便宜阿……)，大的14.1“的那台已经装了W7，而且还是狠心下升级的。不过有recovery disk所以还好，就算废了也不过是一切重装。不过小的那个netbook还没有决定是不是要升级。的确是喜欢W7，但是的确是beta，不想到时候一事无成……

好吧，先这样。

我的高中

今天心血来潮在谷歌地图中查了张江，找到了二附中。看着那俯瞰图竟痴了。我的高中阿。。。还是那么美丽。记忆中的大门，玻璃顶，大操场，天文台，还有宿舍楼，滑轮碾过的小道，充满汗味的网球场，油绿的草坪。。。我的高中，我的高中。

高中三年曾是那么漫长的岁月，仿佛每一天都能死去，每一天都是浓墨重彩的一笔。而大学这三年来却又过得如此倏然，一转眼，我嫁人了，一转眼，我有了猫猫，一转眼，我大四了。。。相较高中那种波涛汹涌，大学真如一口波澜不惊的古井。放眼过去，连朋友也只交了两个。。。与我高中那会儿的称兄道妹，群伙腐败的激情是那么不相衬阿。。。人生，到底是怎么一会儿事呢？


再看看google中那漂亮的鸟瞰图吧。。。真美，一如我的回忆。

惨不忍睹

今天偶尔在网上翻到一本《原谅我红尘颠倒》，读了一会儿，实在惨不忍睹。不明白书中究竟是夸张的手法呢，还是事实就是如此。尤其在那段书中男主角与骑摩托老菜农交通事故那段，不仅仅坑了人家老菜农三百多血汗化肥钱，更是无人性得将晕倒的老菜农置之不理……还有那些关于法官，警署，政客，电视台的种种龌龊，难道这真是中国城市现况？又想起母亲说的家中叔父现在外快大赚，专挑城市外围老农乡人兜售保险项目，月入两万，提升主任，骗人骗到手软，真真是小人得志。

小时代，与充满魅力的顾里

第二次读小时代折纸时代。
很多人抨击酵母，说他抄袭Gossip Girl，说他的文章没有深度，说他江河日下。我却仍旧喜欢他，喜欢他的小时代。
有些事情，大约就像是年少时一直带着的习惯，对周杰伦，对郭敬明，大致如此。
尤其热爱顾里。

读着小时代，字里行间都是与顾里的共鸣。对精准数字的喜爱，对金融系男生冷静残酷的迷恋，对趋利避害人生观的赞同，对同是control freak的会心一笑……顾里的一切都充满了热爱，仿佛可以看到我自己坐在那里，冷冷的表情，充满逻辑的思考，从不感情用事……

刚刚读到崇光的一段文字，很是喜爱，贴下来：

我们活在浩瀚的宇宙里，漫天漂浮的宇宙尘埃和星河的光尘，我们是比在些还要渺小的存在。你并不知道生活在什么时候就突然改变方向，陷入墨水一般浓稠的黑暗里去。你被失望拖进深远，你被疾病拉进坟墓，你被挫折践踏得体无完肤，你被嘲笑，被讽刺，被讨厌，被怨恨，被放弃。但是我们却总是在内心里保留着希望，保留着不甘心放弃的跳动的心。我们依然在大大的绝望里小小地努力着。这种不想放弃的心情，它们变成无边黑暗里的小小星辰。我们都是小小的星辰。

有些人与事，失去了就不再回来

这两天怎地怀旧。这不好。人不该一直朝过去看。
我站在时间的漏沙中，看着那一道分明的线，割断了我的过去和现在，活生生，硬狠狠，连用手指轻触都不敢，怕灼伤了记忆，模糊了感情。
Dan Gibson Dan Gibson. I am dying in your seaside retreat, and I am feeling alive. When I hear the waves lapping the sands, everything might be worth keeping.

Grandpa, may you rest in peace.
爷爷。一路走好。